A Fresh Start
It was 10 September 2018 when I made a decision that would affect a few people’s lives.
As I walked along the cemented path beside the grass patch and under the clear blue sky, I had a lengthy self talk with the universe.
I decided to pursue my own life, my own journey and leave this marriage and family in order to pursue my dream and find my true self.
For years, I have been living for the others, no matter how unhappy I was. I reminded myself daily that I should bear the responsibilities of being someone’s child, someone’s husband and someone’s father.
And I thought that I could find happiness and joy when I came into contact with Buddhism and spiritual books as I understand that happiness comes from within and not without. But I had a glimpse of the truth of life too, that we don’t live twice in this lifetime.
For days and nights, I struggled between staying put and giving up what I have been holding for so long. My heart, mood and emotions were like a pendulum, swinging from left to right, and I found myself not able to come to a conclusion.
After much ponder and considerations, I finally made the decision to call it quit and decided to let go of this marriage that is without any feelings, and pursue my freedom that I yearned for, especially so when my girl has now grown up.
Perhaps, there may be some who feel that I have misunderstood the teachings of Buddhism and those spiritual books, but I know that if I continue to live life as it is right now, I am going to miss doing things that I have always wanted to do.
Nobody can really understand the basis of my decision, and nobody can really feel the struggles and agonies within me. In the eyes of the others, I’m just but a man who is not contented with what I have.
For many years, I constantly remind myself never to regret whatever decisions or mistakes that I made in my life, for I have always believed that no one (absolutely no one) can ever foresee what will be the outcome if I have chosen other wise.
I have missed an opportunity to be happy before and I don’t want to miss a second opportunity. And henceforth, I have made a decision from my heart instead of the logical mind.
Jim Carey in his speech said: You will only ever have 2 choices – love or fear. Choose love, and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future but all there will ever be is what’s happening here and the decisions we make in this moment which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality….
When I first heard this talk, my heart was struck with an “aha” moment, and it triggered me to ponder if I ever decide to stay put in this marriage, will it be based on love or fear.
What is a marriage when there is no more love and two person living under the same roof like a pair of walking corpse? If I stay put just because of fear of triggering hatred within them, or fear of them not being able to accept my decision, isn’t that going to cause more unhappiness in the house?
There are many choices we have to make in life, and no one can ever foresee what will be the right choice, never. If I am to label my current decision, I will prefer to call it a decision made out of love — love for myself and my family, for me to start afresh, and same goes to them.
As the Chinese saying that goes: short term pain is better than long term pain. Everything shall pass, and perhaps, my fear and worries are really uncalled for.
This is a bilingual blog.
I’m doing so not to show off my talent (in fact my English is not as good as my Chinese), but I hope to be able to share my thoughts and learning with a wider group of people. And this is the reason for starting this blog.
I hope too, that one day as I find my true self, learning how to love myself and then let go of my “self”, I will be able to publish a book on my journey to freedom. I hope that this will allow readers to gain some insight and feel motivated to live life fully or learn something from it.
I have learned much from Buddhism and spiritual books, and I wish to express my gratitude towards the authors, for their words have encouraged me to pursue my dream and allowed me to grow stronger spiritually and emotionally.
Other than penning my thoughts, I will also be writing letters to myself as a form of encouragement and reminder, including self reflections. This will be my “Dear Me” series.
After doing some soul searching for a couple of years, even though I’ve just touched the tip of the iceberg, I’ve already witnessed the truth of many people (including myself) not loving themselves.
And thus, I gave this blog the name of Loving Myself
Being self loving is not being selfish.
Selfish is usually disregarding others feelings for self gain or satisfaction while self love is self appreciating, self respecting, and allow oneself to have peace within, and gradually learn to spread the peace and love to the other people.
Love is limitless.
Loving self means loving others, for when one knows how to respect his own various feelings and emotions, then can he know how to respect the feelings and emotions of the other people.