Accept, forgive and let go

  I have been seeking within, trying to understand myself better. And what I saw or see is a man who lacks confidence, full of guilt, lack of trust for others and myself, even though my outlook portrays a confident, loving and helpful person.
  Two days back, the word “dark shadow” popped up in a book again, reminding me of the various books that I have read, telling us that we have always been controlled by our subconscious mind, or ego, or lower self, that resulted in all our behaviours and thoughts.
  As the bus whizzed through the busy streets, my own history flashed through my mind like the trees and lampposts passing by from the corner of my eyes..
  What dark shadows have I kept within myself all these years that have resulted in me feeling so lack of confidence and not loving myself? I thought to myself. And how can I change the way that I think and remove these old beliefs that I am not good enough?
  I scanned through my memories for the theories I have read about soul searching and rested my thoughts on the word “forgiveness”.
  As I closed my eyes, I brought back memories of people who have hurt me and those whom I have hurt, hoping to seek the truth of what has been casted on my heart, the dark shadows, that cause me to have those limiting beliefs.
  I recalled that when I was just a small kid,  my aunt used to say that I was an ugly boy, and called me by the name of zhu ba jie (the piggy in the famous Journey to the west novel). She often passed sarcastic remarks that I loved to mix around with my female cousins. I decided that she would be the first person I want to forgive.
  So as I brought her face into my mind, I said to her: “my aunt, I know you didn’t have ill intention to hurt me in the past. If you’d known that whatever you said would be causing me to be lacking of confidence, I’m sure you wouldn’t do it. Perhaps, you have your reason to do so, or perhaps, you were brought up this way by your own parents. I don’t blame you and I accept the way you think about me and forgive your ignorance. Today, I decide to let go of the belief you have planted in my heart and soul. I know I am loved, and I deserve to be loved. I am worthy, and I am more than worthy. I am definitely not as ugly as you have told me…”
  I put her face in front of me as if I was talking to her.
  Then I picked a second, a third person and so on, to talk to, attempting to walk in their shoes and imagined their thoughts and behaviours as they said or did things that hurt me. I tried to feel that they were controlled by their unknown ego and did not choose to hurt me intentionally.
  One by one, I let faces flashed in front of me and began to accept and forgive whatever they have done to me and then let go of whatever dark shadows or limiting beliefs they have casted in my soul.
  As I went from outer to inner, I meditated on my own behaviours and thought of all those whom I have hurt in my life, recalling how I have let my desires and greeds to engulf me and made the mistakes of hurting them. I acknowledged and accepted my mistakes, forgave and then let go of the guilt that I have been holding on so closely to my heart.
  I felt slightly better after the meditation but I know too that this is not something I can change overnight. I have after all lived with these beliefs for years!
  And this is just the beginning, it’s a tool, an approach that touches only the tip of the iceberg. If I really wish to let go, I need to fill my heart with love, love for myself first, then love for the others.
  Perhaps, I should continue to meditate on the same for days, weeks or even months, so that I can slowly change the beliefs that I am not being loved, or I am helpless.
  Loving myself is to let go of all these limiting beliefs that have no concrete evidence and by doing so, I can then offer my service to this society, even though it may be just a small contribution.
  22.03.2019
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