Be compassionate to myself 忘了把慈悲留给自己
I tried to pick up the thoughts that toppled and spilled all over the floor, but there was nothing I could do.
The quietness outside the window and the rumbling in my heart became a big contrast, just like earth and heaven.
The sky was dark with no star, no moon and the wind was quiet, as if the old trees were all asleep.
Sometimes, I just want to pamper myself by doing nothing and thinking nothing, and just waste the precious time away by sitting quietly.
And so , I sat quietly in the dark.
Out of boredom that day, I picked another picture of Kuan Yin and began to draw her face again.
Perhaps, that was another form of killing my time, and allowed my rumbling thoughts to settle and find my true self through each sketch of the drawing.
This picture was not as complicated as the last but it was not any easier as expected.
Every stroke was carefully drawn, or at least I thought so. But I also know that I can do much better than that.
The Heart Sutra says: With no attachment, there’s no fear, and henceforth we keep ourselves away from dreams that mislead us.
If I am to view it from another angle and free myself from fears that my drawing will not be accepted by viewers, would it be easier for me to push my talent to the fullest?
Theories are always easy to understand but when it comes to practice, it is so god damn difficult, for we as human beings are always concerned on how others look at us and our work.
This was apparent as I was concerned that my drawing would be too ugly to share with others. And so I took care to draw each stroke, and repeated the strokes whenever I was not satisfied.
As Chyi’s marvelous voice dance around my ears with her singing of the Heart Sutra, my mind was filled with the loving look on Kuan Yin’s face, with tears of compassion around the corners of her eyes, feeling for all sentient beings who are still suffering.
And I prayed silently: If ever I can, I want to draw all of Kuan Yin’s portrait and with every portrait, I will send my blessings to all sentient beings in this world.
I wish for all to be liberated from sufferings and live a joyful life.
But then I forgot to be compassionate to myself….