Sense of freedom…
05 March 2020.
As I reflect on the day and what happened last night, suddenly I felt a sense of freedom.
I woke up in the morning feeling refreshed, as if something has been offloaded from my heart.
It wasn’t an impulsive move, but definitely an action triggered by an eruption.
It sounded contradictory, but I guess only myself will know how “free” I have become today. It feels like I have found myself back, and yet an improved version of myself.
I didn’t mean to offend anyone, nor was I trying to belittle them. I just felt that at some point in time, I need to voice out how I feel and tell the others that I am not to be taken advantage of.
To a certain extent, it was an ego thing, and I do not wish to deny it. My principle of being honest and sincere remain, disregarding how others are going to look upon me.
To some, I may be childish or over-reacting, but to me, I felt a sense of freedom of speech, no longer worrying about my words or action will push others away, or make others to look at me differently, including my most beloved one.
Sometimes, we just need to really let go of the vanity of trying to be a nice person, and live our lives for the others.
I am no longer fearful of my beloved pulling further away from me, for I have nothing else to lose. Similarly, I do not fear how my action would have hurt anyone, for I felt that one needs to be awakened at times by brutal honesty.
Just like what the Heart Sutra has said: with no attachment, there is no fear and we lead a carefree life.
That was really how I felt for the whole day, even though some thought that I wasn’t maintaining my cool.
It was another long day today but definitely a better one. And the best is yet to come, for I know moving forward, things are just going to get better and better for me each day.
Deep within me, I am aware that I have voiced what I wished to say and it is now a thing of the past. As I reminded myself the cold side of this world, I maintain my belief that I am a loving and kind soul and I will be rewarded with loving and kind souls.
As an attempt to wind down my day, I picked up the pencils and started to sketch. It took me close to one and a half hour to sketch a picture of my mouse, and yet I couldn’t complete it.
Well, there’s so much time I have each day, and I need to cater time for my meditation and journaling. Hence, I chose not to force myself to complete the sketch.
I have achieved the discipline of sketching regularly to improve my skills amidst the busy schedule that I have. I do not want to sell my soul to just work and my company.
It is not worth it, and again, it is not worth trying to be Mr. Nice guy and let others take advantage of me.
I am not so noble and I do not aspire to be.
I just want peace and love in my heart. And if my love is not appreciated, I let it be, for I do not wish to live in the eyes of the others.