A lame father

09 March 2020, Monday.

Warm and humid day.

Looking at the kids’ pictures and knowing that they are well and fine, I am thankful. They haven’t changed much since I last saw them.

And I am happy that she’s managing well and happy in her life.

It was another long day at work, and things don’t seem to slow down. There must be something not right somewhere, where we are being targeted to push harder and harder.

My manager’s face displayed full of stress. Being new in his current role, I can understand how much pressure he is facing, especially when he has never been in a role where his team manages the external customers.

I have my fair share of adding more burden on him with my “don’t give a damn” attitude. Not that I want to be a troublemaker, but just that I view being responsible and doing an honest piece of work from another perspective.

I am not out to get awards, nor am I out to attract compliments. Many people view things differently from me, and I am most of the time the odd one out.

Money is important to me, but it doesn’t push me to count beans with the company. I work because I feel that I am fairly rewarded, and hence see no need to ask for more. If there is, then it is really a bonus to me.

The world has come to a point where a bonus is now not a bonus, but something that is naturally “given”. When bonus is not given, it becomes abnormal. But to me, a bonus is a bonus, that’s why it is called a bonus. If it comes, it’s a bonus, if it doesn’t come, we are paid to do our job. Isn’t it so?

Am I really abnormal?

Perhaps I really am.

Charlene told me how her friends reacted when they realised how she communicates with me. They are amazed at how “disrespectful” Charlene is to me, for she can call me “FOS” in WhatsApp and I will reply her with “FOR”.

In fact, they are shocked at the language Charlene used on me.

And I am also amazed at how well I can make Charlene laugh with all my nonsense, hence resulting in her calling me a “public nuisance”. I frequently teased her with my lame jokes and excuses. And I often tell her to ask her friends: how many of her friends can call their daddies by “names” and yet can laugh it off?

I know Charlene is afraid of me deep within. I have just come to a point where most of the things don’t really matter to me anymore. I have come to recognise that controlling my child is just restricting her from learning more in life.

It is her life, so I give her full respect in whatever decision she makes, unless it is something too drastic that I cannot accept. And when that happens, I will tell her firmly and she knows I mean business.

Or when she comes to me for advice, then I will share my views with her, but leave her to make her own decisions.

To her and her friends, I am a most lame father one can ever find, and of course one who does not behave like a father at all.

And I love myself for that, for all I wish is to free myself from all the problems in this world…

One day, I shall leave this place with peace.

09.03.2020

Francis Lim

* FOS – Full of Shit

* FOR – Full of Rubbish

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