Words are my only companion
23 March 2020.
It is time for journaling again, and as I sat down in front of my iPad Pro and wonder what to write, the title “Words are my only companion” just came to my mind.
Yes, indeed they are.
For years, they have never deserted me, they have allowed me to express my thoughts, my feelings and my fears. And when I am down, words are my best companion as I pen down all that go through my mind.
Most important of all, they listen to me every time I wish to express myself.
During the days when I was feeling really lonely, words are the only one who stood by me. I wish I can say that they have never betrayed me, but they did, as my words have many a times brought trouble into my life and also hurt people whom I love most.
Perhaps, it wasn’t words that have betrayed me, but more of my own thoughts, my own beliefs and personality that have betrayed me, bringing pain to not only myself but also others.
There are words that I can share with the world, and there are words that I can’t. I keep all those words within my own journal, where all my secrets are kept.
Do I have that many secrets? Yes, I do. I am sure most people have their own little secrets, let alone me. I have my own dream, and only one person other than words know about this dream.
I had a sudden dipped in my mood today as I felt mentally tired. Too many things have happened that bring me further and further away from my dream, one which I think of day and night, even though I know it will happen one day, just do not know when.
I become impatient and restless, and I use meditation and the technique of letting go to pull me through. I know I have improved in the way I handle things, I believe I have picked up the art of acceptance to a certain extend, so much so that I become less and less worry over things that I cannot control.
As I tried to convince my dad that chanting “Namo Amitabha” can help to calm his mind down, I began to feel guilty for what is happening to my dad when I saw his worrying face. Then I recalled that I was the one who triggered this unease in him more than 20 years ago.
I began to think, how much people have I hurt in my life? Am I here in this life asking for what they have owed me in my past lives?
I’m tired and I know I need to forgive myself tonight.
I have tried my best to love…