I blew my top…

20 April 2020.

Monday.

I set up this blog to remind myself to love myself.

And I have succeeded and I have failed.

Especially when I felt that I am a fool trying to be the best myself, loving and kind.

“Silence” is the best reply to a fool.

As I look at this quote repeatedly, I noticed that I have been looking at it from another perspective. I am not the one keeping silent, in fact, I am the one playing the fool.

I know I need to snap out of this thought.

Today, I felt like a total failure as I snapped and blew my top.

Perhaps, I was aware that I was blowing my top, and I have done it intentionally to wake my family up, just like sometimes I wished I can wake my fellow colleagues and management up.

I couldn’t understand why we are all worrying about minor stuffs here when there are thousands and thousands of people suffering in the other parts of the world, or other parts of Singapore.

Singapore has once again hit the highest record in the number of new cases today, more than a thousand. I thought of the government and the front liners who worked hard to curb the growth of numbers, but yet, I see people criticising the government, I see the true selfishness of people in an organisation, and I see the fake care and concern of these people.

Noise continue to flash on the phone screen, there is absolutely zero text that praise the government or appreciate the front liners or blessings sent to the less fortunate.

In this situation of pandemic, we are still thinking of how to suck up to the management.

Where is all our appreciative mother nature? Have we forgotten that we are alive and kicking because we are blessed? Are we taking the love from the others for granted?

Have we appreciated the people around us and have we loved the people who love us?

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I walked out of the door and sat on the stairway, smoking profusely. I knew it’s time to let go.

Was I feeling guilty for blowing my top? Or was I feeling disappointed with the way I have reacted?

Looking at the 2 old folks, I began to feel a huge burden on my shoulder.

I have tried my best to be in my best shape, so that I can be the role model to appreciate life as it is.

As the wind blows on my face, I let my tears rolled. I know that I will be fine after that, because I will once again stand up and love myself, and only by loving myself, then can I love the others.

Just last week, a beautiful colleague of mine told me that I seemed to be happy go lucky, ever so cheerful in the office. And I told her that I have learned to let go of many things that do not serve me anymore.

Indeed I have learned, else I won’t be able to manage what I am facing right now.

I will be strong, I reminded myself once again, even though I know that within me, I do really miss someone, especially when I am falling apart.

And I will learn to be silent… instead of being the fool…

20.04.2020

Francis Lim

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