It’s really time to let go
17 May 2020.
A warm but wet Sunday.
I was beginning to feel strained and yet I didn’t know about it.
For the whole of last week, mom would tell me that dad has been telling her that he was not feeling well and having very bad headache and she needed to go to my sister’s place to see hm.
When I reminded her that nobody was allowed to leave the house and visit even relatives, disappointment was clearly written on her face and sometimes even silent anger.
My heart ached as I looked at her sitting back on the couch.
It has been 2 weeks since dad stopped coming over to my place. Perhaps that was the reason mom missed him. Mom has been hallucinating and “cooking” up stories that I know never did happen before. And she would repeat the stories to me every day, which I am fine.
But as her hallucinations began to have weird thoughts such as dad being in critical conditions made me worried. I tried my best to convince her that dad is fine and I have just spoken to dad over the phone.
It was Thursday when mom tried to get out of the house without even informing me and was stopped, I had the sudden thought of keeping the house keys but decided against it. Mom was already showing signs of anger when I stopped her from going out, it would upset her further if I kept the keys and thought that we were locking her up.
I began to feel some stress arising from within.
Mom tried to get out of the house again on Saturday morning and that was when I decided to send a message to brother and sister asking them to bring mom over to their place for lunch and dinner and bring her back to my place at the end of the day. To a certain extent, I sounded like pleading with my siblings.
I couldn’t bear to see my mom’s disappointed face every day. Am I too weak? I asked myself. I was also concerned that dad’s depression which was getting better might be another saga for us if he sees mom again.
So I typed the message and ended with: “So if dad is ok, I hope to bring mom over to sis place to stay from lunch till dinner. Else, perhaps, Keat, can go to your place? I don’t think there’s any offence in doing that and we can always explain. As to elderly getting virus easier, I think it should now be left to fate after so much control. Mom is sitting in the house for as long as we can think of. Even normal adults and children are getting sick, even though mom has dementia, but it is impacting her for I may have failed as a son to look after her.”
I looked at the message for a long time before I tap on the “send” button. And as I did it, I broke down, crying silently at my smoking corner. Nobody was aware and I kept to myself. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I let them be.
I knew I had to let go for I know that loving oneself is not to pretend to be strong, but to allow the emotion flow and then move on with life.
Perhaps it was the circuit breaker, perhaps it was too many changes within a short period of time, perhaps it was mom and dad’s condition, perhaps it was the unhappiness in work, perhaps it was myself.
I do not know. All I know is that I need to just face myself and let the emotion flow and let go. There was guilt in my heart for feeling a failure.
There are just too many things in my mind at times, and I’m still very much attached to a lot of things.
I am grateful that I have been able to let them go slowly by meditating.
I can’t imagine how I could handle all these have I not persisted on meditation.
Every day, I wake up in the morning and remind (or try to motivate) myself that it is going to be a great day ahead. I let go of any unhappy events that happened as soon as I could. There might be arguments over how work could be done, there might be disagreements on how things were being handled, but at the end of the day, I let those unhappiness go as I meditated.
Colin sent me a text message on Friday night asking me to cover him during his absence on Monday. I looked at the message and fell into deep thoughts. I scanned through my mind on how best to reject the request.
In the end, I replied by sharing with him my most honest thoughts about covering him and be the acting Manager. I do not wish to have this added responsibility and do not need the extra exposure or visibility which they claimed that they wished to give me.
It was the same message I shared with Kok Keong a few years back.
I just want to lead a normal peaceful life, doing my best in my work and help out those who are truly in need of help and who are really willing to learn.
I remembered how Chork told me that at some point in time in our life, we need to give back.
So, I take it that now is the time that I give back to the company by sharing my knowledge, my skills and whatever I have learned in the company.
I do not aspire to move up the corporate ladder, for all I ask for is a life that I wish and that is something that is very distant for now.
I am appreciative and thankful that my competency is valued by the management but I am honestly not the right person to do the job, for I have no heart in being the acting manager or to manage a team.
I am comforted though that when there is any tough or almost impossible issue, the others look towards me for help, especially the other departments. I am thankful that I have built a reputable name in resolving issues and am the avenue where others will come to seek help.
Gwenda recently had a near impossible project and she approached me to request for my help. She wanted me to volunteer for this project though I have not been identified as the one working on it.
The trust she has in me made me felt good and I know it was my personal ego working on me.
Still, I reminded myself that my role is to give back to the company by solving all issues in my area of work and so I look at it positively.
On the personal development, I continue to sketch to train on my concentration and being present. I have sketched a few portraits including Charlene and I am happy that I am improving bit by bit.
I know that one day, I will be able to draw portraits that look exactly like the person I wish to draw.
Suddenly, the famous statement “It’s not the end that matters, it’s the journey” came into my mind.
Yes, it’s the journey of sketching, the journey of improving and the journey of letting go that are giving me the peace that I seek.
And journaling my thoughts and life has become a part of me which allows me to express my emotions.
So I shall persist for I really need to let go of all attachments. And the only way to do it is to be present and mindful.
I just want to live for myself and let go of all which do not serve me anymore.
It’s really time to let go…