19 May 2020.
Second working day of the week and I am already feeling mentally tired.
I have been “bombarding” and “slamming” the team for two days, coming from the perspective to train and share with them all my knowledge and skill set.
During the process, I got worked up a couple of times when I realised that I couldn’t pass on the “soft skills” or “alertness” or “sharpness” to look at problems more in depth.
While I have not shouted at anyone, I was aware of my tone. I tried as much to choose the right words to use so as not to make them feel that I was putting them down.
I really wished that they could put more heart into their work for I observed that some of the problems they are handling could have been resolved or handled easier if they have put in more thoughts into their work.
Lee Heng spoke to me once again about the appointment of me as the Acting Manager during Colin’s absence. I guessed Colin must have shared with him the message exchanges we had.
And I shared the same thing to Lee Heng, telling him that all I want is just to do my work peacefully and do my best. There’s nothing much I am looking for.
It was all the same old theories that I may be seen as inertia or unwilling to change and that will impede or affect my profile. I am not fully convinced though I know what he means. It will be more applicable to one who is thriving to move up the corporate ladder and just a little bit applicable to one (like me) who needs to at least secure a job.
I didn’t debate too much since I have shared my thoughts. And I told myself “come what may”.
But I am honestly tired, mentally tired.
Sunday, I completed yet another celebrity portrait sketch. It wasn’t really well done but I am happy with my progress. At least, there is still some resemblance to the woman whom I wanted to draw. My close friend asked me how do I rate myself for this picture, and I gave a 60 marks score.
She was generous to give me 70.
I have set myself a 21 days challenge to do some workout every night and it started on last Friday. The exercises seem simple but are really strenuous to me. For each session, I aim to complete 2 rounds of 4 sets of exercises and each set last about 4-5 minutes.
Knowing my own physical capability, I know I shouldn’t push myself too much. And Sunday I just found the excuse to do just only 1.5 rounds and I was exhausted. It went well again last night but tonight, I did only 1 round.
I am not sure if that is due to the mental tiredness or I am just looking for excuses. Anyhow, I completed 1 round and had a 15 minutes meditation as usual. It is one of the best method I can find to slow down my breaths and calm the body down.
As I sat with my eyes closed, I could feel my heart pumping furiously and I took long and slow breath to slow down the heartbeats.
Somehow, I just chose to look within myself and reflect on what have happened these 2 days. I asked myself: “Was I too hard on the team? Was I genuinely wanting to train and mentor them? Or was I just putting them down in order to make myself look smarter and brighter? I searched through my memories and attempted to find some answers. Have they put in their best in doing what they need to do? Was my style of “guiding” them the correct way or outdated?”
So many questions rushed into my mind. I was not looking for an answer externally, but more from within. Have I been blinded by my own personal pride that I don’t see their strengths and / or the struggles they are going through? Was I sincere in trying to help them?
As I opened my eyes after 15 minutes, I haven’t found the answers, but I knew that I need to really look into the purpose of my “bombardments” and “lecturing” (which I tried to tell them I was sharing from my own experiences).
Perhaps, it’s the way how the different generation work, and I just need to learn to accept that we are all brought up in a different manner, different “culture” and different era.
To be more forgiving may be the right word to use on me. It is something that I have not picked up from Kok Keong after working under him all these years. I shall stop feeling that I am so much better off than the others when it comes to managing our projects. I shall stop thinking that I have all the knowledge required to provide solutions to our customers. I shall stop feeling superior.
I will not feel inferior, for I am still confident of my own competencies. But I need to be aware that confidence and arrogance is just a thin line in between. And I have to watch myself carefully.
For every statements or advice I am giving in the future, I shall search internally to make sure that it is truly out of the sincere wish to help or guide them along.
If for whatever reason I fail to drive my point across, I shall rest my case in peace.
That’s the biggest thing I gained from the self reflection I had today.