At a loss…
15 June 2020, Monday.
I am on leave today.
But there’s nowhere I can go for I need to stay home and take care of mom. Renci Hospital remains closed even though our Circuit Breaker has ended, at least until Phase 2 of the end of Circuit Breaker.
I continue to take up challenges from my old classmates whom requested me to draw their portraits. Then my Customer Service Department colleague also requested for me to do a sketch of hers and she sent me one of her favourite pictures.
I spent much time on sketching, which really takes my mind off many things that I don’t have answers for. At times, I do not know what do I want to get out of sketching, is it a practice on concentration, is it the pursuit of acknowledgment from others, or is it just escaping from reality.
Today, I drew another of my classmate and took half a day to complete it. I am quite pleased with the end result, as it does look like the original picture.
It suddenly occurred to me last night as I lay on the bed that perhaps I can practise more and use this skill to contribute to the society.
Then a wild idea popped into my mind, that if any one of my friends request me to draw their portraits, and if they are satisfied with the output, I will make a request for them to donate a small amount of money to the charity, for example, $5.
$5 to us, my friends and I, is really a very small amount. We can spend more than this amount even in a single meal, so I don’t think it is a challenge to my friends.
The only challenge that I think many people have is that we all tag a value to everything that we come across. So to my friends, the picture that I draw may not worth that $5.
I do not know, but if that is something that I can really achieve, no matter how small the amount is, I am contributing to the society.
Dad’s anxiety illness relapse did not bring help to all of us, as we continue to be on the look out for mom’s dementia problem. And his relapse has also proven to me that I have a long way to go to attain peace in my mind, body and soul.
I have had a few arguments with dad over his impatience and requests to switch from doctor to doctor, or wanting to see different counsellors / psychiatrist in order to get peace of mind. I have been aware that my temper was rising during the conversations and have tried my best to calm myself down.
There were of course times when I really lost my cool and told dad off. While I have not scolded anybody, it was not what I have hoped that I could do, resolving issues with peace and calmness.
I watched mom losing her self-care ability day by day, it’s like there is some virus or worm in her slowly (and painfully to me) eating her brain.
For some disgusted reasons, mom begins to hate dad and talks bad about him every time I try to chat with mom. And when dad visits us, mom ignores him totally, despite dad trying to chat with her.
This issue has brought headache to myself, brother and sister and we are at a loss.
But at the end of the day, I continue to be thankful that mom and dad are still around, that my family members are still safe and sound, including those whom I love and who are not by my side.
No matter how tough and challenging the situation is, no matter how slowly things are happening for me, no matter how far my dreams are, I just need to have faith in everything, knowing that soon, they shall pass.
And before I know it, I’m living my dream life.
Sharing my recent sketches for my friends to see:
Tan Ho Hong (my old classmate)
Janet Lee (my old classmate), this was a disaster as there are just too much shadow that I resorted to pencil shading and I failed. Lesson learnt for me and I re-drew another one (last picture) today.
Helen Lim (my CS Department colleague)
Janet Lee (my old classmate). A “redraw” of her picture as she isn’t happy with the first one I drew and claimed that I have made her looked so old. (LOL!)