Accept, I must……
It was honestly just a very casual remark in a call, but my heart felt a pinch.
I dismissed it as something that I was over sensitive, never to realise that the after effect was bad.
After the call, I felt my energy went down drastically and my mood was swinging to the negative quickly.
So I picked up a cigarette and the ash tray, opened the door and sat on the stairway outside the house.
As I sat there smoking, allowing the smoke to stream out from my nose and mouth, I gazed out of the window of the stairway.
I saw forest of concretes, the gloomy sky, the fluffy clouds and the ant-like cars wriggling along the far distant tar roads.
Nothing seems to have changed.
I knew I had to let go somehow.
One of the greatest things i have learned in the past few years was acceptance, especially so in the beginning of 2019.
I have learned that no matter how hard I tried, there was absolutely nothing I could do to change situations or anyone’s mind.
In the end, I just had to accept it was what it was.
Sitting on the stairway today, I allowed the piercing pain to engulf my heart and let it stay there while convincing myself to accept it was what it was.
I knew I wasn’t feeling good and I was thankful that I was aware.
After all, so many mornings and nights of meditation did not go to waste.
Slowly, I breathed out the smoke through my mouth and nose, and at the same time, I breathed out the discomfort. I reminded myself that whatever I was thinking or experiencing was the work of my own ego and unwanted desire.
Perhaps, I have a dream that I wished could be fulfilled and it has been lingering in my mind for the longest time. And such was the time when after much suppression, it kind of exploded.
Looking at the distant clouds, I told myself that it was what it was. Ad no matter was it yesterday, today or tomorrow, It is a reality that I cannot change now and the only thing I can do is to accept it is what it is.
Besides, whatever that was going through my mind and heart was just an illusion I have created for myself.
As I breathed out the last puff, I stood up and told myself that I should just let everything be and stick to loving one without condition.
It is time to break out and be alone.
Accept I must.
Let go, I have to.
Unconditional love, I shall.