Slow down or else……
(Sketch of a beautiful friend of mine)
When I felt the pain on my thumb’s distal interphalangeal joint, I knew that things are not getting any better with my ten fingers.
The stiffness and occasional pain from accidental knocks on my fingers has been bothering me a little bit recently.
Is this something that I need to see the doctor about? Or is this just something that will heal by itself? When it started to spread from one finger to ten fingers, I refused to acknowledge it as something related to my age.
But certainly, it has something to do with my health, which more often than not, I don’t really care much about.
For specific reasons for a specific person, I have worked hard in the past months, and not denying that I was also trying to prove myself that I am worthy of who I am.
And I am very proud that I have done it.
To a certain extent, it has been proven that one cannot stop spiritual practise and self-improvement or whatever that has been learned and practised would be flushed away by the flow of river of life.
My anger, impatience, negative thoughts, lack of love and trust and jealousy started to display more and more as I spent less time looking within and more time looking without. The external world has once again corrupted my mind, for I am still an amateur in self-control and I have had my fair share of disappointments from people whom I love.
Much time was spent on projects and work that I have forsaken moments of peace in meditation and allowed myself to drift into sleep with all the hundreds of problems and worries.
It is therefore time now to slow down my pace and lead the life I have been wishing for, else I will be expediting my journey towards the end.
What I am hoping for now is still not the ultimate life that I am wishing for, but at least, it is something that brings peace and calmness to my mind, body and soul.
I know that deep within me, there are desires yet to be subdued and jealousy yet to be removed. If I continue to lead the life that I am leading now, I am not moving ahead, but going back to who and what I was in the past. I am just thankful that I am not competitive at all, else there will be more that I need to handle and manage.
I have my own passions, especially on people and things that matter to me, and therefore I need to steadily yet slowly let go of these passions so as not to be engulfed by the greed that still stays within me.
Today, I tried to live a day without mobile phone or electronic gadgets today, yet I failed.
My life is so integrated with the mobile phone that many things that I want / need to do cannot be done without it. From listening to music, to reading books, then to meditation, and even drawing, I need to use at least my phone or iPad.
WhatsApp messages have become an integral part of my life that I could not turn off my phone, fearing that important messages from my siblings may not reach me. So I put the phone aside in silent mode, and focused on my sketching and then reading on my iPad.
Yes, I could have just turned it off, and just informed my siblings and family to call home if there is anything urgent, but my action would be causing them inconvenience for small daily matters that may require my attention.
It wasn’t only once that I have ever thought of just putting down and letting go of everything in my life and live a secluded life, but I also understand that being able to practise in this busy and seductive world is the real challenge, for it is then the true letting go of our own ego instead of running away from reality.
I have come this far in whatever I wish for and also done what I needed to do.
I have been giving more than receiving, perhaps.
I have never really enjoyed my company’s events all these years, reason being I’m not an extrovert. But what I did yesterday morning was something I felt great about.
It was a charity activity that required us to distribute mooncakes to elderly who are socially distant from the society.
As the elders received mooncakes from me, each of them thanked me with big smiles and I could see the signs of difficulties crawled on their faces. They are mostly staying alone in the small units and many of them seemed to be lonely.
It’s been really a long time since I last saw dark alleys in our public housing. The alternating opposite facing units are so close to each other that prevented the natural lights from coming through and the walkway can only allow at most two person walking side by side.
This brought some thoughts into me.
I felt thankful that I am leading a luxury life and have the ability to pamper myself and my loved ones with gifts that are sometimes deemed to be good to have.
It is without denial that one gets to feel good when doing good deeds, especially when the warmth and love was passed from my hands to their hands.
Who knows, one day, I may be one of them?
Regardless, I wish them well.
(If tomorrow doesn’t come for me, I’m still thankful, for I have lived and loved the way I want to)