Goodbye, my love / 再见了,亲爱的

My dearest,

Perhaps you are not aware, I am feeling very tired, extremely tired from loving you.

The rain poured heavily today, creating a blurry world as I looked out of the window. And that triggered numerous thoughts within me.

I don’t seem to understand this world anymore, just like I couldn’t see your world clearly.

I have alway believed that all my life’s experiences were coincidental, and yet not coincidental.

But slowly, I began to realise that the beauty of all lies on a state of non-expectation, and as expectations increased, disappointments increase exponentially.

We were so close before, you in me, me in you, we were as one.

We walked the path together once, experiencing the beauty of life and weathering through some ugly moments, and I have never had any regret, for I know that many a times, you weren’t mindful or aware or things were beyond your control. I tried my best to understand the situation, just like wearing your shoes, attempting with the best effort to understand your predicaments.

I have been wishing for more care from you, and I need you to know that no matter how strong I am, I need love and care too. But your care and concern has never been me.

Perhaps, there are others who deserve more attention and love from you, and I had to learn and accept it as it is.

And thus, we walk a separate path and our distance grow further.

Throughout these years, I have given my utmost love to you, cared for you and even pampered you. I stood by your side whenever you felt down, hoping that one day you would come to realise that I am the one who loved you most, cared for you most in this world, with no regret at all.

But you have chosen to neglect me and my need for love, and have not cherished the love I have for you.

Leaving you isn’t my choice, for you have pushed me away again and again with your coldness.

I have truly loved you with my heart. Your words and actions were somehow tied to the strings of my heart. When you were relaxed, I felt joy, when you were anxious, I felt tightness, your joy was my happiness and your worries and problems brought tears to my eyes.

I know you have loved me once, but the more I give, the worst it gets.

A neglected love will get weak and tired eventually, just like a heart will turn cold when not showered with love and warmth.

I am honestly tired and no longer wish to hurt myself just to make you happy, for my heart is already filled with scars and injuries.

For many years, I held you tightly in my hands, forgetting that if I am to let go, I may find a new world.

Since your world can’t allow my existence, perhaps the best thing to do is to let go and give you the freedom that you wish, and mine too.

As the chilly breeze rose behind my back, I made the decision, it’s time to go.

And then the song (I am really leaving) from Eric Moo rose inside my head:

“我真的要走了 只停泊片刻的依靠 来了又去的候鸟 曾想过一生对你好

我真的要走了 温暖我一夜的怀抱 外面的风雨飘摇 曾想过陪你直到老

为了现实中 拥有一个梦 把爱装载随身的口袋

为了在梦中 有一个你 我身不由己的回头

风干了的泪 挥不停的手 还有多长的路要走

请你多珍重(再见我的爱) 我真的要走了”

31.10.2020

Francis Lim

亲爱的,

或许你不知道,我真的已经很累很累了,而且是爱你爱到极致的累了。

今天下午,下了一场倾盆大雨,窗外急速而下的雨丝,就像天空滑落的帘幕,模糊了整个世界,也挑起了翻涌的思绪万千。

我看不懂这个世界,就如我再也看不清你的世界了。

总相信,所有发生的一切都不是偶然,却又是偶然的。

此刻却懂了,不期而遇的邂逅往往最是美丽,直到添加了无数的期许,失望也跟着接踵而至。

你我曾经是那么地贴近,你中有我,我中有你,合为一体。

我们走过的岁月,时而灿烂,时而触礁,我都不曾有过一句怨言,因为我知道很多时候,你也是不由自主的。我试着去体谅你,也尝试过换位思考,只想以最真挚的心去体会你的处境。

一直以来,我也期待着能够得到更多你的关怀,我想要你知道,再坚强的我也需要一份爱与关怀,可你在乎的并不是我。

也许,其他人比我更重要,更值得你去珍惜与联系,我只能接受,面对自己的傻气。

于是我们开始渐行渐远了。

这些年来,我完完全全的爱着你,给你无微不至的呵护,甚至是宠着你。

我一直默默地守护着你,只希望有一天你能够醒过来,发现这个世界最爱你的人是我,最疼你的人也是我,而最愿意无怨无悔为你付出的人还是我。

但你却无动于衷,忽略了我的情感,从来都没有了解我需要的是什么,更没有好好地珍惜我对你的好。

离开你,我是情非得已,是你拒我于千里之外,是你无数次的冷漠,凉了我的心。

今天,我只想找一个安静的世界,好好地度过余生,不想再在龙蛇混杂的社会经历那虚无缥缈的爱恨情仇与名利。

我真的很爱你,你的一举一动,一言一语,牵动着我的每一根心弦。

你放松,我跟着愉悦,你紧张,我跟着绷紧,你的快乐是我的快乐,你的难过也同样让泪水滑落我的脸颊。

我知道,你也曾经爱过我,只是当我给得越多,你越不珍惜。

一份被忽略的情感,往往会走得很累,一颗炽热的心,若没有一份爱去捂着,总会冷却。

今天,我累了,我不想再为了取悦你而伤害自己了,因为我已经伤痕累累了。

多年来,我一直把你紧紧地握在手掌心里,忘了只要我愿意放手,我可能会拥有一个全新的世界。

既然你的世界没有我的存在,与其我的情感被你蹂躏,不如选择勇敢地放开手,还给你你想要的自由,也还给自己我需要的自己。

望着窗外洋洋洒洒的雨丝,当一阵阵阴冷的风在背后席卷而至,忽然间就做了那么一个决定——我要走了。

忽然想起巫启贤的那一首《我真的要走了》,感触良多。

“我真的要走了 只停泊片刻的依靠 来了又去的候鸟 曾想过一生对你好

我真的要走了 温暖我一夜的怀抱 外面的风雨飘摇 曾想过陪你直到老

为了现实中 拥有一个梦 把爱装载随身的口袋

为了在梦中 有一个你 我身不由己的回头

风干了的泪 挥不停的手 还有多长的路要走

请你多珍重(再见我的爱) 我真的要走了”

31.10.2020

林顺源

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