Walking alone / 一个人走

Sunday evening, the sky was like the greyish mess in my sketches as I left my house.

I thought it would pour soon, but it didn’t.

Roaming aimlessly, I ended up in the mall with full of people and was suddenly struck by a sense of loneliness.

I thought that I have already gotten use to being alone (that is my current practice), and thought that by letting go, I would be freed, instead, I was bothered by other matters in this sentient world.

Even though there were many people in the mall, I was separated from their world. And as I stood alone in a less crowded place, I observed the crowds, allowing my thoughts to fly and thought about life and many facades of mankind.

It wasn’t long before I packed a box of Oyako Don home and ate my dinner with full of thoughts, totally forgotten about mindfulness.

At times, I love to re-watch old movies which left deep thoughts in my mind and last night, I picked “Hunger Games” – a show that depicts the ugliness of human kind out of the will to survive.

It is honestly not a pleasant movie, and I didn’t get to finish it as I was too tired.

It was a last minute decision to take two days off today and tomorrow, as I wanted to let my unsettled mind rest, and also to complete a task that was given to me before lunch.

I took two hours in the morning to sketch the icon of the movie, “Hunger Games” – the sign of a mocking jay in burning fire. But my skill was not at all good and thus wasn’t able to sketch the fiery bird and arrow, and that made the completed artwork one that displayed a lack of heart in it.

The sun was scorching as I walked along the street after lunch. It was demonstrating it’s power proudly through the unwavering heat and I was sticky throughout by the time I reached home.

Rushing into the toilet, and not forgetting to turn on the air conditioner, I took a cold shower to cool myself down and continued with the rest of the “Hunger Games” movie.

“Hunger Games” tells the story about the tragedy of peasants whose lives and destinies are controlled by the wealthy society. It is all about the ugliness and brutality displayed by young men and women in order to fight for their lives – to survive.

Even though it is just a story, a movie, but it has undoubtedly stated the cruelty of our society, from the past till today. Haven’t mankind’s hearts been engulfed by greed, desires and the need to survive for many centuries? That’s the core of Buddha’s teachings (or at least that is my understanding) – the root of all sufferings.

And in reality, such matters are there for us to witness, and more often than not, some people neglected the fact that others are going through some hard time, and even forgotten that they themselves have been through the same hardship before, and yet choose to bury their own souls just because they need to survive.

I am honestly thankful that I have learned much in these few years, and though I have not really reached the state of slipping into the other party’s shoes, I reflect upon myself regularly to ensure that my words and actions will not cause too much hurt to another.

After all, I have not come to the point of life and death yet.

Knowing that the colleague whom I have been trying to mentor and help will be leaving soon, I feel a little bit heavy and gloomy within.

But the future is always an unknown and his departure may open a new path to a new world for him, I should feel happy for him.

Just like a person walking his path alone, there may be obstacles along the way, but it is definitely better than living a life with hopes that may not be fulfilled.

May the odds be ever in his favour – and I wish my friend.

02.11.2020

Francis Lim

昨天旁晚时分,天空灰得就像被我的铅笔胡乱彩过一般,暗淡无光。

漫无目的地来到购物商场,走在熙来攘往的人群中,忽然被一阵莫名的孤独感侵袭。

原以为自己已经习惯了孤独,更以为放下了会感觉拥有了整个天空,却无意被一层层的尘事困扰着我。

走着走着,找了个较无人的地方伫立,对着四周的人群观望,让思潮翻涌,咀嚼着人生与人性这两个最难以捉摸的题目。

后来,打包了亲子饭回家静静享用,虽然不是食不知味,却也忘了佛陀教导的专注于当下。

我喜欢重看一些经典电影,重温当初的那一份震撼。

昨晚选了一部《饥饿游戏》来看,缘由在商场里的思索触碰到人性为了生存而展现的丑陋。

这是一部极度残酷的电影,道尽了无权无势的人们那份无力与无奈,却因为累了而没有把它看完。

今天临时请假,除了想要让心静静,也想在午饭前完成一份沉重的任务。

早晨用了两个小时把《饥饿游戏》里的标志草草画了出来,那是一只燃烧着的嘲笑鸟,可我技术不够,无法把那一把火焰涂在白纸上,显得有心无力。

午饭后,走在街上,那炽热的太阳无情地散发着它的光芒与热度,仿佛在向街道上的人们炫耀它的力量,回到家时,已是汗流浃背。

第一时间打开冷气机,冲个凉澡,然后继续我的《饥饿游戏》影片。

《饥饿游戏》述说的是一些平民的悲哀,生死掌控在有权有势的高阶层社会的游戏里,上演着人与人之间为了生存的自相残杀,草芥人命。

这虽然只是一个故事,一部电影,但也隐约道出了真实社会的残酷。

从古至今,人性的丑陋有哪个不是因为欲望与为了生存而展露无遗?即便有些人道貌岸然,却掩不住那笑里藏刀,让人不寒而栗。

的确,现实生活中不乏这种状况,有些人为了自己的生存或盈利,忘了每个人都有自己的困难,甚至可以“感同身受”,却选择了忽略他人的难处,忘了自己也曾沦陷过,为了明哲保身,牺牲他人。

我感恩这些年来懂得了许多,虽然还无法真正达到换位思考,但在某种情况下还是会自我反省,不至对于他人的身心造成太大的伤害。

毕竟,我还未到生死关头,我愿意选择在愤怒之中保持一份宽容。

想到我一直想要辅助的同事即将离去,难免有些感伤。

然而,一想起未来始终都是一个未知数,离开或许能够让他开脱一个新的世界,那又何偿不是一件好事呢?就像一个人踽踽独行,即便走得踉踉跄跄,也总好过携带着一份等待的心情上路……

02.11.2020

林顺源

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