Changing my outlook / 改变形象
It was a matter of a soft touch, and the message was sent across the wireless internet from a phone to another.
Such communication through the wireless world has become a norm, which sometimes seem to make the world feels cold.
While we try our best to inject feelings and emotions into the messages, either with lovely words or emoticons, but it has also allowed mankind to distant each other much easier.
I am after all a writer, a man who prefers to use words to express his emotions, as I believe that other than the eyes and speeches, written (or typed) words are the best tools to express my feelings and thoughts.
I have gotten into troubles with my words before, for it can be easily mis-interpreted and mis-understood.
Communications between man to man is really a subject that I can never master.
Waking up in the middle of the night by a bad dream, I had a not so good sleep once again. I laid on the bed in the darkness, feeling dazed by the vague scenes in the dream.
Then I looked out of the window into the dark sky and started chatting with Uncle Wong.
For whatever reasons, I wished for a change in me recently, from internal to external.
Ever since I shaved my head bald, I realised that the hairs are growing very quickly and within a day or half, my smoothened head would be feeling spiky again, causing me to shave constantly almost every day or two.
Besides, I began to feel the taste of the hot sun on my head, especially on days when the sky was blue and the fluffy clouds were sporadic.
The heat rays were like needles piercing through my scalp into my skull, forcing me to review my situation. I ended up purchasing online 2 flat caps that I have never worn before and did not know how I would look like putting on them.
I just wanted to have a change somehow.
For two weeks, I have not shaved my beard (both sides and the chin) except my moustache. I want to see how I look like and it makes me feel like a new me – one who is not so “cleaned” and yet not too sloppy on the face.
Honestly speaking, I love my new look and with the new flat cap, I find myself a changed man and more attractive, but not the heart which still holds on to many things in life.
Perhaps I am really getting very narcissistic.
I have written in my last diary that my recent works have triggered some concerns from a couple of good friends in the internet, and now I realised that I have in fact brought tears to a person who loves me very much.
I was just sharing my thoughts, allowing them to fly, as if I was confiding to myself, and when everything is done, I would feel better and attempt to let go, and then I will move on.
If I didn’t write for the past years, I can’t imagine how I’d managed all the things that have happened around me, including the loneliness.
I guess I have chosen such a path for the rest of my life, which is not something I planned for, but isn’t that what makes this world so unpredictable and beautiful at times?
I do not know whether the other people can accept the change in my outlook, but I know that I am pretty pleased with myself.
It is something new, but what I really wish to change is my outlook in life, and wish that I have a bigger and magnanimous heart.