Changing my outlook / 改变形象

It was a matter of a soft touch, and the message was sent across the wireless internet from a phone to another.

Such communication through the wireless world has become a norm, which sometimes seem to make the world feels cold.

While we try our best to inject feelings and emotions into the messages, either with lovely words or emoticons, but it has also allowed mankind to distant each other much easier.

I am after all a writer, a man who prefers to use words to express his emotions, as I believe that other than the eyes and speeches, written (or typed) words are the best tools to express my feelings and thoughts.

I have gotten into troubles with my words before, for it can be easily mis-interpreted and mis-understood.

Communications between man to man is really a subject that I can never master.

Waking up in the middle of the night by a bad dream, I had a not so good sleep once again. I laid on the bed in the darkness, feeling dazed by the vague scenes in the dream.

Then I looked out of the window into the dark sky and started chatting with Uncle Wong.

——

For whatever reasons, I wished for a change in me recently, from internal to external.

Ever since I shaved my head bald, I realised that the hairs are growing very quickly and within a day or half, my smoothened head would be feeling spiky again, causing me to shave constantly almost every day or two.

Besides, I began to feel the taste of the hot sun on my head, especially on days when the sky was blue and the fluffy clouds were sporadic.

The heat rays were like needles piercing through my scalp into my skull, forcing me to review my situation. I ended up purchasing online 2 flat caps that I have never worn before and did not know how I would look like putting on them.

I just wanted to have a change somehow.

For two weeks, I have not shaved my beard (both sides and the chin) except my moustache. I want to see how I look like and it makes me feel like a new me – one who is not so “cleaned” and yet not too sloppy on the face.

Honestly speaking, I love my new look and with the new flat cap, I find myself a changed man and more attractive, but not the heart which still holds on to many things in life.

Perhaps I am really getting very narcissistic.

——

I have written in my last diary that my recent works have triggered some concerns from a couple of good friends in the internet, and now I realised that I have in fact brought tears to a person who loves me very much.

I was just sharing my thoughts, allowing them to fly, as if I was confiding to myself, and when everything is done, I would feel better and attempt to let go, and then I will move on.

If I didn’t write for the past years, I can’t imagine how I’d managed all the things that have happened around me, including the loneliness.

I guess I have chosen such a path for the rest of my life, which is not something I planned for, but isn’t that what makes this world so unpredictable and beautiful at times?

I do not know whether the other people can accept the change in my outlook, but I know that I am pretty pleased with myself.

It is something new, but what I really wish to change is my outlook in life, and wish that I have a bigger and magnanimous heart.

07.11.2020

Francis Lim

轻轻地一按,信息就悄无声息的穿越时空,从一个手机弹到另一个手机。

这一种冰冷的文字已经成了人们最普遍的沟通方式。

人们尝试把心思与情感注入于字里行间,相聚与离别却有时就在一弹指之间。

不管怎样说,我也算是一个微不足道的写作的人,一个用文字抒发心情的小小作家。

除了眼神与口述,文字对于我来说便是传递情绪与思维最好的一种方式。

然而,文字也曾带给我困扰与无奈,在不同人的诠释之下,文字可能变成一种伤害,也可能是一种误解。

人与人之间的沟通竟然是那么地困难。

昨晚又再睡得不好,半夜两点被一场不是很好的梦弄醒,无法理解那朦胧不清的梦所为何来。

于是,我又开始了对着天空与黄伯父对话。

——

最近一时兴起,决定改变自己以往的形象,想要做一个脱胎换骨的人。

从心理上的放下,到身体上的改造,仿佛在经过一次慢性的转变。

自从把头真正地剃光以后,才知道原来光头也有它的烦恼,只是一夜之间,剃光的头又是杂草丛生,每隔一两天都要剔除。

而后,更发现走在晴空万里的蓝天下,猛烈的阳光就像无数的细针刺在头颅上,感觉异常灼热。

为此,只好在网上购买了一双从来没有戴过的鸭舌帽,改变自己的形象。

已经两个星期没有剃胡须了,确切地说,是把两腮以及下巴的胡子留住,就只把上唇上的胡髭剃掉。

虽然不是很“茂盛”,但感觉上那也是是一个从所未有的自己,一个看起来不那么“干净”,却又不会显得太邋遢的我。

我蛮喜欢这样的造型,再加上那个新的帽子,越发觉得自己变了,也更帅了,没有变的是那一颗执著的心。

这堪称是自恋吧?

——

如我前日所写,最近的文字让一些好友担忧了,却也让一个很爱我的女子落泪了。

其实,我不过是把自己的心情点滴抒发出来,就当作是与自己倾诉,说完了,尽量把一切放下,继续上路。

若不是如此,真的不知道这些年的孤独感往哪儿搁呢。

这余生,选择了这样的生活,是意想不到的,但这不就正是人生的美妙之处吗?

我不知道新的形象是否能够被人接受,但我感觉满意就行了。

可是,我真正想改变的是对人生的心态,对生活的态度以及拥有一个更广阔的胸怀。

07.11.2020

林顺源

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