Just another day…
I can clearly remember that it was 02 January 2019.
I was so desperate that I made a hard decision which created havoc and turmoil in my life.
And when the next day came, I received another blow which shattered my heart and realised that I was walking alone.
Then I began to feel lost in life, again.
History repeated itself as I went through the same thing in 2010.
All the hard work that I have put in to improve and love myself seemed to have had a hard crash on the ground, with dreams and hopes shattered into pieces.
And so I thought.
Since then, I picked myself up and continued walking alone, literally alone, with no one to really understand what I was going through.
I could not share my deepest thoughts and emotion with anyone.
Things just didn’t go the way I wanted them to.
I began to pick up drawings to get some peace from the rustling noise in my heart.
Perhaps it isn’t fair to say that all my hard work in the 2 years before 2019 were fruitless, in fact, the things that I learned in the past walked with me through the toughest moment.
Tears were shed, heart was broken and dreams were shattered, but still, I refused to give in to destiny, still believing that my happiness lies within me and not the outer world, I persevered on with my meditations, day and night.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.
Nevertheless, I have come this far, alone, with no blame on anybody, holding on to my beliefs of love and kindness.
It is Saturday evening, mom has gone to brother’s house, and it is only this time that I can really feel good and relax, unfortunately.
I know that there is a deep sense of guilt within me towards mom, and I cannot express it to anyone, except penning it here.
I owe mom an apology.
It is now coming to the end of the year 2020, and the wind direction has changed from blowing from the south to blowing from the north.
As I stood in front of my windows and looked out, the cool breeze rushed through the windows and brushed through my face and body.
I have been doing nothing for the whole day, or basically wasting my time browsing through YouTube for short videos that my interest me, or reading reviews on new electronic gadgets.
It then came to a point that I asked myself: Hey, what am I doing?
How long more can I sustain? I wondered.
Then I decided to clear up my closet, packing up all those shirts and pants that I don’t wear or can’t wear anymore.
It’s time to do a clean up, internally and externally.
My beloved friend sent me a picture today, a tree in a park. And the tree looks like a broccoli to me, with the background of blue sky and puffy clouds.
Serenity filled the place (or the picture).
I imagined myself being in such a beautiful place, feeling serene and free.
Knowing that my beloved friend has now settled down and matured in many aspects of life, I am comforted, especially now that she is no longer alone.
She now has someone to cook for her when she is busy, pick up the kids as she waits in the car, fix the things at home and someone to talk to when she feels lonely, I should feel happy for her that she is well taken care of and her life is now getting better.
I may not know how it feels like being alone in a foreign land, but I definitely can sympathise slightly on the loneliness that may be triggered once in a while, for I have been there.
It is a journey that most of the people will certainly take at least once in their lifetime. And for how long the journey will last depends on how each individual takes care of his/her own inner being.
As Buddha has rightfully said, all sufferings begin from desires, and as Heart Sutra says: as long as we can let go of our desires, we will be freed from all the illusions in our heart and soul.
And I search within myself for my own desires.
I know what I need to give up.