This is life.
It’s Christmas day and I had no plan as usual.
As I slowly sketched the little monk, I let my mind rested. Sketching didn’t seem to be as difficult as when I initially started, though there is still a lot of rooms for improvement.
I wished for a peaceful and slow day and awaited for my movie time to come.
Being alone with mom, I had to wait for dad to take over my place before I could head over to the cinema for my long-awaited Wonder Woman 1984. The rest had gone out.
Watching movie alone isn’t something new to me, in fact, I can’t remember when was the last time I watched movie with someone I love the company.
WW84 was definitely a great disappointment to me, draggy and lousy villains. I know clearly what I was looking for in the movie, actions and surround sound that will keep me immersed in the whole show.
It didn’t happen that way, instead, I was waiting for the movie to end.
The only thing I learned from the movie is “face the truth and accept as is”. It reminded me of the reality of life, where many things couldn’t happen the way we wanted them to be.
Third uncle passed away this evening and I received the news with no emotion, sounds cruel and “heartless”.
I’ve never been close to him at all, not even third aunt (a very self centred and unreasonable woman to me). I wonder is that why I didn’t feel too much of a sorrow upon learning his demise.
Or I have really come to the stage of understanding that death is inevitable and I’m learning the art of detachment.
Looking back at this whole year, so many things have happened in my work life, good and bad. And the past two weeks have been teaching me more life lessons in a short period of time.
I am honestly disgusted by the dishonesty of corporate workers, and I witnessed the ugly side of non-acceptance of mankind.
Men have become so self-centred that it is always other people’s fault instead of their own. And where change is required, it is the other party, not themselves.
For reasons that I may or may not know, I attempted to speak the truth, and hoped for better leadership. My honesty hurt the ego of leaders, and got myself into trouble.
Advices from people who trusted and believed in me rang through my ears. I accepted all feedbacks, irregardless whether I agree or disagree, for I know it’s all about survival in a corporate world.
All I know is that I have voiced my thoughts, and that is all that I need to do.
I may be right, or I could be wrong too, for I am no sage.
I might even be seen as a fool, trying to “fight” for the team or ground people, who so cleverly or disgustingly said things that weren’t true.
I then realised that I was fighting the battle alone and they don’t deserve my voice to help them get a better work life.
I knew I have once again failed in my practice.
Such things should not bother me anymore, and I should not be disappointed, angry or upset over matters which I could not control or people whom I could not change.
I cannot change how people look at me;
I cannot change how people behave in the corporate world;
Just like I cannot force anyone to love me or tell me they love me.
I must have neglected my mindfulness practice and therefor forgotten the art of acceptance.
And so I posted this little monk’s drawing on Facebook and wrote:
“If only I can be like this little monk, ignore and let go of all ignorant people, life will be simpler and better. Yet, I don’t want to be a person who is oblivious to others’ well being just to satisfy or meet my own agenda.”
May I become a better person in 2021 and many years to come.”
There is a message in between the lines, and I do not know whoever sees this message will know what I am trying to say, especially those whom I am targeting at.
The year is coming to an end soon, and it has been a long year of journey alone.
In fact, it has been two long lonesome years, and the lonesome journey shall continue into year 2021.
But I accept it as is and I am comforted that my loved ones are well, similarly for my beloved.
This is life.
Imperfection and impermanence.