I’ve lost much

05 December 2021.

8:40pm.

It has been a week of early sleep for me except for Friday as I attempted to find the lost peacefulness that I once had.

But can I ever recover what was already lost?

And even if I can find the peacefulness, it may not be the same level of peace that I once had.

The December strong wind has never failed to visit me every year, and it was so strong that it slammed one of my glass windows.

As I worked on my project in front of my computer in the living room this afternoon, I could see mom’s figure moving in and out of the bedroom to the living room and back and forth.

My heart aches deeply whenever I see mom’s aimless movement in this world. Yet, there is nothing much I can do.

And have I, myself, really lived my life with purpose? What have I done for the whole day today other than work?

For a long time, the thought of my purpose in this world will creep into my thoughts once in a while. Am I bringing happiness to the people around me or am I the root of all their pains?

This thought has crept into my meditation before and I have never gotten an answer at all.

Everything seems so mystical and I do not know the purpose of life anymore.

The lack of mindfulness has caused me to visit the library twice yesterday, as I have forgotten to bring one of the books that I borrowed to return.

I have wanted to spend some quiet moments in the library and enjoy the scent of printed books but it didn’t happen the way I wanted.

By the time I returned the books on my second visit, I borrowed another 3 books and left.

As I walked to the bus stop and stood there with deep thoughts, the cool breeze caressed my face lovingly. I looked up into the dark sky, the moon and the stars were not in sight, and then something struck deep within me.

It was 04 December 2021, coming to the end of the year, and I thought: Time flies.

It’s a reality that time flies, and I know there is no way we can control time. And then it daunted upon me that I did not only lose time, I am losing more than each and every day that has gone by, I am losing the “past” which time can never return to me, and many other opportunities that may leave me with regrets.

It’s going to be another 3-4 hours before today becomes tomorrow’s yesterday.

And today, I continue to lose the chance to say love to my beloved, I continue to lose the chance to apologise to people whom I have hurt, I continue to lose the chance to visit Feng Er in Beijing, I continue to lose the change to travel to Australia, Doncaster, I continue to lose the chance to help those who are in need of help and I continue to lose the chance of being mindful and find the real me.

As I continue to lose, I am at the same time awaiting for the arrival of death.

The God of Death is just round the corner, and I am very well aware of its presence, yet I’ve chosen to ignore it and continue to waste my time, allowing me to lose more and more.

Mom will leave this world one day, so will I, it’s just a matter of time.

And when that day comes, what will I leave behind for those who are still living in this world?

And so I remind myself constantly, that when that day come, I shall face it courageously, even though I have lost so much in my life.

05.12.2021

Francis Lim

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