Everything has turned cold… so it seems…

There are too many people who were gone just like this in this world. And you will never know what will happen in the next moment. So, do cherish all the people around you, for you can never find them back when they are gone.

Just when my last journal was about how much I have lost in my life and how I will want to face death courageously when it comes, the fear suddenly came on Wednesday night.

I was showering after a day’s work and as I squatted down to wash myself, I felt a sudden imbalance. Feeling slightly shocked, I looked up and noticed the four walls of the toilet rocking from side to side.

It was a weird moment, I didn’t feel anything with my body, internal or external, but I could clearly feel that there was something wrong.

Cautiously, I stood up with my right hand on the wall, making sure that I would not fall. I knew very well that it might be a disaster if I fall, especially at the age of over 50 years.

I stood and rested for a while, letting the water showered on me and washed the soap away. Then I dried myself “quickly” and yet cautiously, making sure that one of my hands would be on the wall, keeping me stable.

I closed my eyes before I put on my clothings, trying to convince myself that what I had just experienced was just a momentary loss of balance. Was it giddiness that I have just felt? My head wasn’t heavy, I didn’t feel any discomfort anywhere. But I could feel the world rocking slowly despite my eyes were closed.

As I walked out of the toilet, a gust of cold wind swept pass me, sending chills throughout my body. The weather has been cooling for the past two weeks, and in fact, sometimes too cold for a person like me who is so used to the hot and humid weather here.

I walked slowly to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee for myself. I just wanted to calm my mind down and relax myself.

The coffee and the cigarette did not help.

I sat on the chair, having the same feeling, regardless my eyes were opened or closed. Many thoughts rushed into my mind, and obviously some of them related to health issues such as stroke. Was that a symptom of stroke? I asked myself, trying my best not to scare myself.

I recalled how my colleague slumped into coma one of the nights and never did wake up. He passed on after having a stroke in his sleep.

Then I recalled my last journal’s statement: “The God of Death is just round the corner, and I am very well aware of its presence, yet I’ve chosen to ignore it and continue to waste my time, allowing me to lose more and more.“

Has it finally come?

I sat in a daze for a period of time, until I finally told myself to just let go. I reminded myself once again that if I was to go to bed and not wake up the next day, so be it. I have no regrets. I should learn to face whatever that comes, including death.

It wasn’t a good feeling lying on the bed and feeling the walls, the ceiling and everything else moving. My heartbeat was normal, or perhaps slightly quicker due to my uneasy thoughts.

Fortunately, I finally found a position that I didn’t feel that the world was rocking, so I kept in that position till I fell asleep.

I was really thankful when I opened my eyes again in the middle of the night.

I was alive.

I did not share this encounter of mine with anyone, except one person.

Deep within me and my thoughts, I knew the time has come and I need to let go of many things.

I was flicking through Facebook tonight as I ended my day of working. Then I saw my ex classmate’s posting about the demise of her dad two weeks back. I wasn’t aware and have not attended the funeral nor visited her.

I continued to flick through Facebook and saw this poster that says: There are too many people who were gone just like this in this world. And you will never know what will happen in the next moment. So, do cherish all the people around you, for you can never find them back when they are gone.

How true this is, but we are all always ignorant.

My phone was quiet most of the time today other than group chat messages that I couldn’t be bothered with.

That is nothing new, for my life has always been so cold for the past few years.

I have been through much in relationship, weathering through the coldness of this world

There are people whom I truly love, people whom I wish I can take care of, and people whom I wish can give me the warmth that I need.

But I have learned through the hard way, never to ask.

It is true that once bitten, twice shy.

Sometimes, the experiences I have been through will haunt me, especially with the slightest signs of historical circumstances or behaviours.

Sometimes, it seems like history will repeat itself, for a third time, and the only thing that I am grateful for is that I have learned to accept anything as it is, or at least I think I can.

Everything has turned so cold, the weather, the world and even relationships.

But it is ok, I came into this world alone, I have been through a lot of things alone, and well, we leave everything behind when we leave this world, alone.

I’ve always been alone, except my words that I have written.

12.12.2021

Francis Lim

Categories: self-love, thoughts

Tagged as: , ,

4 Comments »

  1. I hope you’re feeling well by now. I have experienced something a bit like this, where I suddenly couldn’t breathe and my back was in pain. It happened twice.

    Even loneliness is nothing; at least we are alive and breathing. While we are here, we have the opportunity to experience giving and receiving love in whatever form.

    I wish you well. Stay safe.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s