Perhaps… it’s time to make some hard decisions

I still believe that some things are better left unknown, including relationships.

I was kind of forced to go for free health screening for my whole body, a benefit that my company offers to the staff every year. And I’ve never taken up the offer.

Last week, during our planning workshop, our CIO asked who will be going for the health screening and knowing that I did not plan to do it, she insisted that all staff in her department must go for it, including me.

I know she meant well and after a few exchanges of words, I gave in.

And so I did my health check yesterday and the report came out today. It is not a surprise nor shock to me to see my report having so many “elevated risks” and that was the primary reason why I have always refused to go for health check.

I am a stubborn person in this area, and if not for my CIO which I had to show her some respect, I wouldn’t have gone for this round as well.

I know my health pretty well in a sense that I have always eaten and lived unhealthily. To me, going for health check is like asking for worries into my mind and I cannot choose to ignore it when the report is out.

So now I am in a big dilemma, whether to go for follow up visit to a doctor to seek advice or just to leave it alone.

My encounter last week seemed to have given me some indication of my health, and this report kind of affirmed it.

Well, I know, it may not be related but I guess that’s how human brain works, it just like to link all the negative things together.

Time seems to be just right, and perhaps it is something in the unseen world is guiding me, telling me that it’s time to watch out.

Recently, I’ve not been feeling good, and people whom I love seems to be so distant from me. I told myself to let go of whatever that came into my mind, whether it was suspicion or fear of separation or history repeating itself.

There are things I wish to know but am fearful to ask. There are thoughts that I want to share but I refuse to say it. I’ve learned not to ask and not to share my feelings. My words have accompanied me through loneliness but have also been one of the things that brought me into loneliness.

I have learned the hard way through the years and so even though I may be unhappy about certain things, I bury them in my heart.

As I read my report today, I mocked at myself for being stubborn. And I began to think how should I live my life moving forward, to be or not to be.

I’ll be selfish to ignore what has been presented in front of me, but I’ll be leading an extremely “restrained” life I am want to do something about it.

I do not know which path to take, and I do not wish to discuss it with anyone, absolutely no one, for I know that the discussion may go the wrong way.

For many years, I’ve always been through the hard time alone, and I’m used to it, really used to it.

Perhaps, it’s really time to make hard decisions, to quit whatever that I love to do, to let people whom I love to go free.

The only thing I am grateful now is that I am still able to put down my thoughts into words, and let them fly.

I used to name my blog as Let The Thoughts Fly, and I am doing exactly that tonight, letting my thoughts fly.

One thing for sure is that I’ll pull through this myself, I’ve always been able to.

I shall be fine, even though the world has just turned colder.

16.12.2021

Francis Lim

Categories: thoughts

Tagged as:

1 Comment »

  1. when you are reading this, I hope that day comes soon where your dreams come true and where you finally feel that you are at peace with yourself and your surroundings.
    Happy New Year.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s