Journaling is a way to look within myself

I admit I am in a mess, both in my life and in my mind. I seem to be failing in everything that I do except work. But today I decided to make a change on Monday. Why Monday, one would ask and I want to be honest to myself. I am afraid to give up my current unhealthy lifestyle and more importantly is that I fear failures for I have failed so many times which is what I have written right from the start of this journal.

I have been trying my best to be positive and use the law of attraction to my advantage. At times, it works and sometimes I seem to be deceiving myself. I really do not know. For example, I have promise to quit smoking but I am now back to smoking a lot. I have been giving myself many excuses to delay the actions. Each day I will tell myself today is the last day but that last day never come. It is not easy nor difficult to be honest to myself, for I know what is going on within myself. But it is extremely difficult to understand why I am behaving this way.

Tonight I lost my cool again with mom who behaved not according to my expectation. Perhaps it was the helplessness that triggered my anger and frustration and then I became aware at that very moment and felt guilty. Sometimes I feel that I don’t have much time left, especially when my health seems to be deteriorating. There is so much I want to do but I have so much to consider. How nice it would be if I can ignore others’ feelings and emotions and do what I want to do. But I cannot. I have tried before and failed.

18.12.2021

Francis Lim

So today will be my last day to indulge in my unhealthy lifestyle. I woke up around 5am to find the road still wet from last night’s rain. I felt glad that I had the most “legitimate” reason to not go for cycling. I concern enjoyed cycling but having stopped for a few weeks, I have become lazy.

Now let’s plan for today and the days ahead. With effect from 20 December 2021, that is tomorrow, I will try my best to live according to the following plan:

1. To reduce my consumption of half-boiled eggs to only thrice a week.

2. To reduce the number of times to have noodles as my breakfast, let’s make it only for the weekend.

3. To slowly reduce the number of sticks of cigarettes to not more than 7 each day.

4. I shall not have more than 3 cups of coffee each day, especially no coffee after 8pm.

5. To cycle no less than twice a week and no less than 60km a week.

6. To drink minimum of 2L of water each day.

7. Minimum 30 minutes of still meditation each day, it can be accumulated for the day.

8. To plan for the day and do self-reflection after a day via journaling regularly.

9. Sleep by 10pm every night as much as possible.

10. Regular light exercise on days that I am not cycling.

For a start, I will create a template to keep track of the above.

That’s all for this morning.

19.12.2021

Francis Lim

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