Preface / 自序

  It was 10 September 2018 when I made a decision that would affect a few people’s lives.
  As I walked along the cemented path beside the grass patch and under the clear blue sky, I had a lengthy self talk with the universe.
  I decided to pursue my own life, my own journey and leave this marriage and family in order to pursue my dream and find my true self.
  For years, I have been living for the others, no matter how unhappy I was. I reminded myself daily that I should bear the responsibilities of being someone’s child, someone’s husband and someone’s father.
  And I thought that I could find happiness and joy when I came into contact with Buddhism and spiritual books as I understand that happiness comes from within and not without. But I had a glimpse of the truth of life too, that we don’t live twice in this lifetime.
  For days and nights, I struggled between staying put and giving up what I have been holding for so long. My heart, mood and emotions were like a pendulum, swinging from left to right, and I found myself not able to come to a conclusion.
  After much ponder and considerations, I finally made the decision to call it quit and decided to let go of this marriage that is without any feelings, and pursue my freedom that I yearned for, especially so when my girl has now grown up.
  Perhaps, there may be some who feel that I have misunderstood the teachings of Buddhism and those spiritual books, but I know that if I continue to live life as it is right now, I am going to miss doing things that I have always wanted to do.
  Nobody can really understand the basis of my decision, and nobody can really feel the struggles and agonies within me. In the eyes of the others, I’m just but a man who is not contented with what I have.
  For many years, I constantly remind myself never to regret whatever decisions or mistakes that I made in my life, for I have always believed that no one (absolutely no one) can ever foresee what will be the outcome if I have chosen other wise.
  I have missed an opportunity to be happy before and I don’t want to miss a second opportunity. And henceforth, I have made a decision from my heart instead of the logical mind.
  Jim Carey in his speech said: You will only ever have 2 choices – love or fear. Choose love, and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart. You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future but all there will ever be is what’s happening here and the decisions we make in this moment which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality….
  When I first heard this talk, my heart was struck with an “aha” moment, and it triggered me to ponder if I ever decide to stay put in this marriage, will it be based on love or fear.
  What is a marriage when there is no more love and two person living under the same roof like a pair of walking corpse? If I stay put just because of fear of triggering hatred within them, or fear of them not being able to accept my decision, isn’t that going to cause more unhappiness in the house?
  There are many choices we have to make in life, and no one can ever foresee what will be the right choice, never. If I am to label my current decision, I will prefer to call it a decision made out of love — love for myself and my family, for me to start afresh, and same goes to them.
  As the Chinese saying that goes: short term pain is better than long term pain. Everything shall pass, and perhaps, my fear and worries are really uncalled for.
  ——
  This is a bilingual blog.
  I’m doing so not to show off my talent (in fact my English is not as good as my Chinese), but I hope to be able to share my thoughts and learning with a wider group of people. And this is the reason for starting this blog.
  I hope too, that one day as I find my true self, learning how to love myself and then let go of my “self”, I will be able to publish a book on my journey to freedom. I hope that this will allow readers to gain some insight and feel motivated to live life fully or learn something from it.
  I have learned much from Buddhism and spiritual books, and I wish to express my gratitude towards the authors, for their words have encouraged me to pursue my dream and allowed me to grow stronger spiritually and emotionally.
  Other than penning my thoughts, I will also be writing letters to myself as a form of encouragement and reminder, including self reflections. This will be my “Dear Me” series.
  After doing some soul searching for a couple of years, even though I’ve just touched the tip of the iceberg, I’ve already witnessed the truth of many people (including myself) not loving themselves.
  And thus, I gave this blog the name of Self Loving.
  Being self loving is not being selfish.
  Selfish is usually disregarding others feelings for self gain or satisfaction while self love is self appreciating, self respecting, and allow oneself to have peace within, and gradually learn to spread the peace and love to the other people.
  Love is limitless.
  Loving self means loving others, for when one knows how to respect his own various feelings and emotions, then can he know how to respect the feelings and emotions of the other people.
  16.03.2019
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  2018年9月10日,我做了一个终生影响好几个人命运的决定。
  那天,我走在街上,对着一片绿油油的草地,蔚蓝的天空,在斜阳下对着宇宙做出了一番自言自语。
  我决定选择自己的人生,我决定要走我自己的路,我决定离开这段婚姻,放下这个家庭,去寻找我的梦想以及自我。
  多少年来,我一直都在为别人而活,即便多么不开心,我仍然尽量地提醒自己做好本分,尽责尽力。
  原以为接触了佛法,读了一些关于灵性的书籍,能够让自己在现状中得到快乐与幸福。然而尽管知道快乐与幸福不在外面的世界,却也仿佛窥探了生命没有重来的真正含义。
  日以继夜地思考,我始终徘徊在放弃与原地踏步之间,煎熬的心,就像悬在一条绳子一般,左摇右晃,究竟无法得出一个结论。
  经过了无数夜的辗转,我终于在2019年做出了选择,决定了放下这段没有情感的婚姻,去追寻我想要的自由人生。
  或许有人会觉得我着了魔,甚或是误解了佛法与灵性书籍上所要表达的意义,我也不敢确定。但是,我知道如果我继续“苟且”地维系这段婚姻,我错过的将会是我今生想要做却没有做到的事。
  没有人能够真正地理解我的抉择,更没有人能够体会我心里的挣扎有多么难受。在许多人眼里,我不过是一个不甘于现状的人,根本不知所为何来。
  从很多年前,我就时常提醒自己,今生不管做过多少错事,或是做错多少决定,我都不要后悔,因为在这个世界上,没有任何人能够可以预知究竟当初走另一条路是否正确的,至多只能以常理定论,却无法肯定。
  我曾经错过追逐自己幸福的机会, 我不想再错过第二次。于是,我决定用心去选择,而不是用脑。
  美国非常有名的喜剧演员Jim Carrey说过一句话:“我们的抉择往往基于两种因素——爱或是恐惧。我们应该基于爱来作出选择,不要让恐惧把我们的心给蒙蔽了。我们可以在一生中幻想世上有鬼,担忧未来,但是我们拥有的永远都只有此时此刻,而我们当下的抉择往往都是基于爱或是恐惧。偏偏许多人的选择都是基于“面对现实”,却没想过那只是恐惧的面具罢了。”
  当我第一次听到这句话的时候,内心仿佛被撞了一下,隐隐约约中那股震动的频率引起了所有共鸣。
  我斟酌了再斟酌,想着如果我的决定是继续维系这段婚姻,那会是是基于爱还是恐惧呢?
  一段没有爱情的婚姻,相处于同一屋檐下,却仿佛是陌生人一般,生活又如行尸走肉,只是是为了害怕家人无法接受,或是萎靡不振,或是怀恨在心,结果不是大家都更加不开心吗?
  人生总有许多抉择要做,没有人能够预知未来将会是如何,但如果要我给自己的抉择下一个定义,我会说自己的抉择将会是基于爱——爱自己与爱家人,给自己一个新的开始,也给家人一个新的开始,
  俗话说,长痛不如短痛,事情总会过去的,或许我的害怕与担忧都是多余的。
  ——
  这是一个双语网站。
  这样做不是为了炫耀我的才华(其实我的英文比中文还差),而是希望能够让我所学到的点滴以及我所思考与经历的一切延伸到更广泛的地域,这就是我办这个网站的缘由。
  当然,我也希望有一天当我真的找到了自我,学会了真正地爱自己,继而在放下自我,能够把自己走过的路写成一本书,与读者分享我的心路历程,让大家从中得到一些启发,鼓励甚或是推动。
  这是我希望能够回馈社会的一种方式,也是我的愿望。
  我本身是从书籍与佛法找到慰藉的人,对于所有我读过的书的作者,我深表我的感激。是他们的片言只语让我至今仍然能够坚持我的想法,也是他们的启发,让我慢慢成长,在心灵与情绪上日渐茁壮。
  除了把心思尽数落成文字,我也会写信给自己,鼓励自己,警惕自己,甚至做自我反映,那就是我将会发表的「写给自己」的系列。
  这些年来的探索,只能触碰冰山之巅,却已经让我窥见了许多人们是那么的不自爱,包括我在内。
  我决定给网站提名为「自爱」,缘由于此。
  自爱,不等同于自私。
  自私,是为了谋取私人的盈利所做出的言行举止与念头,往往较为损人利己,比如为了保护自己而不愿与人分享,为了私欲而争名夺利。
  自爱则是学习如何珍惜自己,尊重自己,使自己在身心灵上拥有一份宁静,以至达到把心里的爱散播给周围的人。
  爱,是无限大的。
  爱自己,等同于爱别人,因为懂得如何去尊重自己的喜怒哀乐,就会懂得如何去尊重别人的情绪变换。
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